Today is my Birthday, and it is a Thursday, interestingly enough; I was born on a Thursday in 1997 on a fourth of September. But that is beside the point. The point is that today I had therapy and somehow ended up talking about how I find it hard to walk to the water cooler to fill my bottle so that I can take my tablets, whereas it is easier for me to walk to the store and get a bottle of processed juice even though both the store and the water cooler are at the same distance from my room. Then I had to think about yet another thing, which escapes me now. It has something to do with…ah! Got it! It is about how to predict where my ups and downs are going to touchdown and by predicting how to figure out at which point I have to figure out to buy fruits and water and stock them up in my room so that I would not find it hard to eat, drink, or take my tablets. Then there is one more thing that I should think about today, which is that I should figure out how to have my birthday resolution, although I have not done these resolution things in the past many years, and this time I have resolved that I will take notes on everything I read and everything I come across, like The Weight of the World or some such so that I know what I am looking at and what I am noticing. Or so that I would at least notice something.

It is really loud in the cafe here and it is also really loud in my mind because I am a little high and there are too many people around and the mixer grinder at this place is going on at full power and the enclosure in which it is kept seems to be doing not even the bare minimum. Then there are many people here, tall men and slim women, big men and fair women, well-dressed people and well-achieved people. There is enough and more in the world to jump us and scare us and shove us against the cushioned chair in this cafe. To the extent that I am afriad I would end up sticking to the fabric of this green-blue cusion which now reminds one of peacocks and then I would turn into soap and stick to the fabric and then slowly bloat as the bacteria devours me and produce a lot of gas and then my skin would rupture and cracks would form out of which my body would ooze down like liquid soap and ruin the fabric of this cushion.

Then there is someone who is talking in Bangla to another person and they both look like professors or someone with power. One of them have a really shrill voice that upsets me and the other is comparatively silent.

I looked up The Weight of the World on the Internet and it looks like it was not written in Scandinavia but France. Alright.

Then I was reading Nicholson Baker again, but this time it was his collection of essays and the first of the collection reminded me of my own writing and for a moment I thought I am a writer too. And for the first time in my life perhaps, I felt it was not dishonest. That there was no pretension there. Pretension is an interesting word to me because it has two pieces, ‘pre’ and ’tension’ which seem to indicate that something is prone to breaking at the lightest touch.

I wish there is some kind of privacy screen for my mac. Because I always feel like somebody is watching me and then there are actual people actually watching me and I hate it. I hate it when people look at me because all I want is to be left alone by myself because how can I meet anyone when there is no myself? I would like to explain to myself what I mean by this, but all I know is that I can’t because I don’t know. I wish I could put out one statement in my lifetime that is true forever. Permanent truth. That would be the title of my book. Permanent Truth.

Then there is Handke saying that the sex act can give a long-absent dignity to women’s face. I think of my sexual partner and how she rolls her eyes upwards and her pupils disappear after a sex act. To me she appears as a person who, after involving herself in strenuous activity (morally and aesthetically strenuous and worthy) retiring to the bed, satisfied in her involvement in the activity which contributed not just to personal exultation but collective satisfaction. Midriffs are coming back as a fashion statement. Midriffs are ‘mid’ in the sense of being the middle and thus the most fleshy bit, and also in the sense that it is just ‘mid’ and not ’top’. I think that just like for the chicken, the neck is probably the most succulent part of human anatomy. There is flesh but not too much and then there are bones and sinews on which you can hook your teeth and pull slightly. It is also a good place, sexually speaking.

I think it is time that I decide what is important to me in the world so that when I write I can look at the important things and not waste time on prolonged posturing. There are privacy screens which I can paste on my laptop. It is yet another interesting thing that when people write about their laptops they do not use its name but the generic term ’laptop’. Maybe I would do it if I was not using an item like a macbook or a thinkpad. When people say laptop I am let down because I want to know what sort of keyboard was there in the laptop, what kind of OS were they using.

The next interesting thing is that someone is being so loud. It is so interesting to me that if I knew who this loud person was I would have given them a hot chocolate scrub on their face.